Since the Rose and I are celebrating our 50th year of marriage this month, we have heard this question from a lot of people - "How did you do it?" We have just returned from a week of celebrating this event at the same place we actually went on our first honeymoon, South Padre Island, Texas, in May 1977 when we first moved to Texas. We probably heard that question from total strangers more than 20 times. So I decided to write about it in the hope that our experience can encourage and help some of our friends who may be struggling with their own marriage.
We met January 10, 1964 at the Naval Station San Juan, PR and married May 9 that year. Yeah it was a short courtship but we knew there was something really special that first night. I was scheduled to leave PR in September and after we had gotten to know each other a little better I told her I wanted her to come with me as my wife. She agreed and the rest is history. At the time I worked for the Admiral who commanded all Caribbean operations and couldn't just ask for time off for our honeymoon. So, we didn't have one until we moved to Texas more than a decade later. Now we are celebrating a life together that was half a century in the making.
After spending most of our married life in ministry of one kind or another we have seen, heard and even experienced probably every kind of crisis that can end a marriage. We have walked through the process of fighting to save a marriage with many good people, some of whom actually learned how to make their marriage work. But most probably didn't. When one partner has emotionally disconnected there seems to be little or no hope for long term reconciliation. I have prayed, cried and counseled with lots of good folks who just saw no future in their present situation.
I'm not saying or even implying that ending a marriage is always the wrong option. Sometimes divorce is inevitable. Sometimes it may be even best for all involved. I have NEVER counseled any woman or man to remain in a marriage that put them in danger of serious harm. There have even been a few times I have assisted some women in escaping a dangerous relationship after exhausting every possible alternative. But this post isn't really about divorce. That's a different subject.
HOW TO STAY MARRIED FIFTY YEARS
1. Make that commitment from the very beginning. The night I proposed to the Rose I told her that I just don't believe in divorce so we would work out our challenges and stay married. We agreed to allow Jesus to be our common ground where we would come together and then work from there. I know it sounds a bit simplistic because life can really get complicated but we're still here together in large part because we made that commitment at the beginning. If you're already married and living in a kind of hell on earth, try to make a new start with the commitment to bring it all to Jesus.
2. Pray for your spouse and pray together if possible. One of the first things I have consistently done in marriage counseling is ask the question, "How much have you prayed about your situation?" That question has produced a variety of answers, but usually I could tell not much praying had occurred. I recall one Christian lady who came to me with a notebook filled with all the wrong things her husband of 20+ years had done. At that point I simply told her that I couldn't continue with our sessions unless her husband were present. She said he wouldn't come. So I asked for the phone number at the car dealership he owned. When he came on the line I identified myself and briefly informed him why I had called. He was hesitant at first but when he realized my motive was not to beat him up he agreed to come. Before he arrived I asked the wife to destroy the notebook if she truly wanted to save her marriage. Love never keeps score.
3. It will be a hard challenge but learn to give the same measure of grace to your spouse that God has freely given to you. You might respond to that with "Yeah but I'm not God. I'm just me!" Maybe so. One man told me "I'm just like my dad. He was a hard man and so am I." My response was, "Your dad had three failed marriages and ultimately died alone because none of his kids wanted anything to do with him, you included. Why would you want to be like your dad?" Grace overlooks and forgives and refuses to pick a fight out of purely selfish motives. When you learn to do that, you come to realize that what you most often refuse to overlook and forgive in your spouse is the very same things God has forgiven in you. Grace simply means giving your spouse what he/she needs rather than what they deserve.
4. Find a way to communicate, not with texting, phone messages or emails, eyeball to eyeball. Agree on a time and place to sit down together and just talk and listen and pay attention without distractions. A good brother told me once, "We must seek to understand if we want to be understood". All good communication begins with listening. Over the years I have walked a lot people through a simple course in communication because I fear we are rapidly losing that ability. Usually that was preceded by a personality evaluation to help them understand why people react to them the way they do.
5. Keep the faith! Always know that God is working to bring both of you to a new place. Learn to turn loose of some stuff that keeps you stuck in the past. One dear sister told me that as a young teenager she was molested repeatedly by someone in her family and it had always created problems in her marriage. So I asked her, "Why does your husband have to pay for something he didn't do that happened decades ago?" I urged her to seek some professional counseling if her faith wasn't such that she could put the past in the past and leave it there. Faith always keeps pointing us forward to get to that new place our Father wants to take us.
Well folks, I could say much more but I have thought about this a lot over the last week and pray some of my words will resonate with your spirit. If your marriage needs serious help, by all means reach out to someone you trust who can point you in the right direction. You can build a 50 year marriage but it only happens one day at a time, moment-to-moment. It's worth the effort.
